This was an e-mail that I received the other day to my new e-mail address (bcssuburbanlegend@africamail.com) to which people can e-mail me to ask questions about the suburban legends in the Brockport Central School District.  The e-mails may ask me to speculate on already discussed legends or provide and shed light on topics not yet discussed.  Any ways, this was the e-mail (read the message with a passive gay lisp):

Dear BCS Suburban Legend Man/Woman:

Somebody told me the other day that the sandwich was invented in Brockport.  Is this true?  Or was my friend being a fucking gay ass homosexual?  Please help me.

Signed,

Brokeback Legend Questioner

This is my response:

Dear Brokeback,

Firstly, I should tell you that the BCS Suburban Legend Man/Woman does not appreciate language like, "fuck gay ass homosexual."  It's not nice to use those words.  You're a fuck gay ass homosexual for saying that.

Any ways, your friend was wrong.  He's yanking your chain.  He's joshing you.  He's yanking really hard on your penis.  The sandwich was not invented in Brockport.  The sandwich was invented around the year 4 B.C., which also happens to be the birth year of Jesus Christ, son of Mary Christ, wife of God.  Around this time, the Romans, along with other cultures, were attempting to domesticate the dog.  One of the techniques used was to capture a pack of dogs and put the entire group into a large cage.  One dog, oftentimes the father dog, was removed from the cage.  The father dog was then manually masturbated into a piece of bread.  The father dog would then be brutally tortured with tiny pellets, shot at it's face and chest.  The pellets would kill the father dog, but if the pellets got too close the the heart of the father dog, it would experience heart attacks.  Eventually, the father dog would be killed via a primitive gas chamber.  Of course the pack of dogs were forced to watch the entire scene of brutality.  When the dog was removed from the gas chamber, the romans would cut it up into little pieces and eat it on bread.  If the emperor was present, he would be allowed to eat the best piece of meat on the piece of bread with dog semen on it.  This method didn't prove to work very well towards domesticating dogs, but the result did provide a tasty treat.  The sandwich the evolved over the next 2000 years to what we have today.

These you have it, the invention of the sandwich by the Romans.

Signed,

BCS Suburban Legend Man/Woman

Note: Please, keep the e-mails coming.  The e-mail address is real.  The responses will be posted on this website.  First come, first serve.  bcssuburbanlegend@africamail.com

Also note:  BCS Suburban Legend Man/Woman does not condone the abuse of animals.  BCS Suburban Legend Man/Woman and all those associated with this operation are strong supporters of Animal Rights.  See this website: http://www.pet-abuse.com/pages/home.php

Ever wonder why the Barclay school is called the Barclay school?

No you little shithead, it's not actually named after a person who was called Barclay; that's just what they want you to think.  In fact, the word barclay is rooted in an ancient African tribal language.  No you little shithead, the dictionary is wrong, and I am right!  The word barclay that we have formed in the modern world was actually two words in the African tribal language.  The word "bar" (and that's the pronunciation, not the actual spelling... they didn't use the Phoenician alphabet you little shithead) meant "bitch" or "whore."  The world "clay" (again, not the actual spelling, the pronunciation) meant "colossal."  When combined, the term was a vulgarity which basically meant "colassal bitch."  When the Atlantic slave trade began in the 15th century, the vulgarity "barclay" came into use in the romance languages.  Of course the Europeans and Americans were forced to spell the world phonetically.  The Americans chose to spell it "barclay."  And the Europeans, being that assholes that they are, had to spell it all fucking fancily: "berkeley."  Eventually, the word would evolve from a noun to a common name.  Brockport chose to name a school after this woman, who was called a "barclay," in a effort to eliminate the class system.  (The word "barclay" supposedly demeans women-kind and puts them in a lower class... I don't know.)  That's it.  Believe it or not, it's all true!

Ever wonder why our school mascot is the Blue Devil?

Some people claim that Blue Devil was a slang term for Northern Union Soldiers during the Civil War.  Although the Yankees were referred to as Blue Devils because of their blue uniforms, and the rebs' extreme dislike for them, this was not the beginning of the term.  In 1802, a road was built from Leroy to what is now Brockport.  The settlement began around this time and Brockport became a village around 1820.  In the November 19th, 1822 edition of the Rochester Telegraph, it was noted that a road was being built connecting Clarkson to Leroy, having a bridge built over the canal.  It was around this time that a school was established.  The original school house was built where the varsity baseball field now is located.  The Brockport school, from the beginning, always had strong amounts of compitition among students.  Interscholastic sports began about ten years before the Civil War.  Abner Doubleday's baseball became more popular during the Civil Was, but Brockport began playing the sport around 1850.  When Brockport started playing baseball against other schools like Rochester, Churchville, and Fairport, our players proved to be weak and scrawny.  The coach of the time, Ulysses Blue, decided that he couldn't bare the shame of a horrendous sports team.  He decided to sell his soul to the devil for 25 years of greatness.  The Devil agreed that the Brockport baseball team would be unbeatable for 25 years, and then it would be horrible for 100 years.  Two other parts of the deal were that the team had to be called the Blue Devils, and Ulysses Blue would have his testicles removed for the pleasure of Lucifer.  All went according to plan.  After the 25 years of unbeatableness, Ulysses Blue had gay sex with Lucifer to get his testicles back.  The curse ended in 1975.  Now Brockport has learned how to win again, on occasion.  Moral of the story: Don't give up your testicles for anything.  That's it.  Believe it or not, it's all true!

Ever wonder why there's a pink flippin' turtle in front of the Ginther School?

During the Depression, people yearned for food, clothing and economic sustenance.  But some also yearned for sex.  John Edward Ginther was one of those who was deprived of sexual contact.  During his childhood, he flashed a group of girls at school and earned the nickname the "Pink Turtle" because of his interesting genitalia.  The Pink Turtle grew up as an outcast desiring any human contact, especially sex.  There was no surprise when the Pink Turtle became an elementary school teacher because of his infinite interest in childhood psychology.  He started at a low level of sexual predatorness by asking his male students how to score with the ladies, and the female students how to give oral sex.  These sexual predator activities continued to rise until he began seducing all of the children in mass orgies on a daily basis.  Oh, and I forgot to mention, the Pink Turtle taught in Brockport for 19 years.  The pink turtle outside the Ginther School is there to remind us all of the negative results of mass orgies with elementary students.  That's it.  Believe it or not, it's all true!

Ever wonder why Brockport has so many STDs?